Hades' Underpants
by Arsonphobia
Summary: Turn and face me, Harry Potter." The being commanded me. With out a second thought I turned slightly and there standing in all of his creepy glory was Hades, god of the Underworld.
1. Chapter 1

**In which I meet the godly mailman.**

Contrary to popular belief I knew next to nothing about my family. Everyone always thought that I was perfect and knew everything, stupid people that judge me. I hate them, come to think of it hate a lot of people now the most being my father. Yea, Yea, I know what your thinking we don't even know you, so why the hell are you talking about your family? So let me introduce myself, I am Harry James Potter, *Cringes* Please if you just gave a fan girl squeal then press the little X up at the top of the page and leave. I have no time or patience to deal with you people. Go bug Malfoy or something. Really...

Anyway as I was saying you are now all really confused because everyone and their grandmother, know that my dad is dead and your wondering why I hate a dead guy right? Well, my dad, James, is dead, but my father is a turns out mom and dad liked to do things that involved Lily having... er...sex with someone while James watched *Blush and coughs* I try not to think of it and it helps....Then nine months later I arrived Dad didn't mind that I was the guy he watched mom do as long as I was cute. Personally I think he was a few heads short of a hydra.

Once again you are probably very confused as to how I know all this stuff, *Sigh* well it all started....

On a Wednesday, I remember because I hate days of the week that don't start with T or have U as it's fourth letter. Uncle Vernon woke me up and screamed at me to start my chores, that is one guy I am happy to say is dead. May he suffer for eternity. I managed to stumbled out of bed I.E. fell when I turned over, and got dressed of course the clothing was 14 sizes to big and hung off of me so badly that I could make a tent out of them.

I trudged down the stairs just barely missing getting shoved down the stairs by my oversized cousin, Tubley...er Dudley, sorry. Once I made it past him I began my normal routine, which included making breakfast for 13 when only three and a half would be eating. The half being me because to Vernon I didn't count as a person. Then I would do cleaning, which involved scrubbing the floors, taking out the trash, washing the dishes, and cleaning Tubley's room. After I finished the cleaning I would go out side and begin my cleaning out there.

That was something I hated because it would involve doing a lot more work then was normally acceptable during the summer. For one it was about 42 degrees Celsius, which meant it was way too hot to do anything but sit around and do nothing. Unfortunately, since I was not counted as a person, I had no right to sit around and do nothing like my horse faced aunt, Tubley and Vernon. I'm not sure why they counted as people and I didn't but what ever.

Like I was saying, I worked all day, *cough* okay it was more like 6 hours but still, it sucked. I mean really who wants to work for 6 straight hours in the hot sun all day with no food or water? It was not something to look forward to. After my many hours of work was when things began to change.

"Hello," A voice from behind me said, I turned around from my place kneeling in Petunia's flower bed and found a man. He looked about middle-aged, with an athletic figure-slim and fit-with salt-and-pepper hair. He gave me a sly grin which oddly enough fit with his weird mail-man outfit.

"Er...Hullo?" I greeted back with my normal grace, never once moving from my spot on the ground. The man smirked and held out a hand to help me up, I blinked at it confusedly but wiped my hand off on my pants before taking his outstretched hand. He pulled me up rather quickly and I blinked. "Very articulate," The man commented me, "I wonder from whom you got it?" he seemed to be having a private joke moment so I just kept quiet. I didn't know why he was here, I didn't know who he was or why he was talking to me.

All the people of Privet Drive went out of there way not to talk to me. So then this guy did it surprised me beyond belief, even though I knew that he wasn't from around here, for one I had never seen him and for two he looked too...I don't know nice, maybe?

The man grinned and looked me up and down, "Well, Harry Potter right?" I'll admit I flinched, *sigh* but it's not my fault! Fan girls, and Colin Creevey have killed any good feelings when people know my name with out me telling them. My hand automatically went where my wand was hidden and the man chuckled, "That won't help," He told me, I could hear the amusement in his voice.

I paused and my hand dropped, in surprise. I didn't know what to do, here was this man that knew who I was and what I was and I didn't even know his name. "Who are you?" I blurted out, the Gryffindor tact a wonderful thing. The man chuckled and pulled out a cell phone that had two snakes on it. I gaped at it rather unintelligently, and he spoke, "My name is Hermes, god of messengers, travelers, and thieves."

"Uh...er...Right." I'll admit, I didn't believe him, I thought he was crazy. My expression must have said as much, because he grinned and walked closer. "Is there somewhere we can talk?" Hermes asked. My first thought was that Vernon would have a fit, me bringing someone claiming to be a Greek god into the house. My next thought was what said god would do, if he was being truthful and ever since I learned of magic it could be possible, that thought won out. "Um...The house?" I offered, Hermes was the god of travelers right, and in this case he was a traveler, so in this case it was his domain right? Unless of course the guy was just off his med's then....Vernon would have killed me.

Hermes nodded and led the way into the house, I followed him slightly bemused especially when he opened the door and held it open for me, like I was the guest. The man was happy too I could tell by the look in his eyes, and I figured that it was a good thing.

Hermes plopped down in one of the kitchen chairs and pulled out his phone, he began texting and I stood awkwardly. "Can I get you something to eat or drink?" Hermes looked away from his phone and nodded, "Yeah, got any mineral water?" I made a face, because the mineral water was aunt Petunia's and she would very likely kill me if I took some, but Hermes was a guest...so. I plucked one from the fridge with skill that made the man grin, it was almost like he knew something about me that others didn't.

I handed him the mineral water and sat down in the chair across from him, I wasn't sure what to do. I mean what would you do? He obviously wasn't a death eater because if he was then I would have been killed already and the man claimed to be a Greek god, it was just a little strange.

"Well, I sure you want to know why I am here, correct?" The man who claimed to be Hermes asked as he snapped his phone shut. I nodded not wanting to speak less I make a fool of myself...again. "You Harry Potter are a half-blood." Hermes said like this was something new to me. I nodded, "Yeah I know." That seemed to take him by surprise.

"You know?" He asked like he was baffled that I knew. I nodded again,"Yep, half muggle have wizard." If he was claiming godhood I could claim being a wizard. The man suddenly smiled, "Ah see there's the problem, we are talking about two different things." I gave him a confused look which he ignored, "You Harry Potter are a half-blood, or in your case we would use the words Demi-god."

"Demi-god?" I asked my hadn going back toward my wand, I had been called that before by Ginny then she attacked me and attempted to rape me. *Nods* It was very frightening. Hermes laughed out right when he saw my actions, "Calm down, kid, I'm here to help you. You see normally gods wouldn't come and talk to you. We'd let a Satyr take care of it, but I owed you dad a favor and he wanted me to pick you up and deliver you to him." Hermes gave me a serious look, "Very few gods would go to this length for you, but it seems your old man is feeling generous."

I blinked and my jaw dropped, the only thing I could think was that this guy was crazy. My dad was dead, how the hell could he wasn't me spoken too. This just didn't make sense. I stood up and backed away from him slowly, "Right..um...you stay here and I'm gunna go call the constables, alright?"

I rushed out of the kitchen not all that sure of what I was doing, when I suddenly bumped into someone. I was rather frightened to look up and see Vernon. He was slowly turning purple, I knew I had to make a decision go back to the weirdo or stay with Vernon. Anyone want to guess what was my decision?

I ran back into the kitchen and side across the floor, I spotted Hermes standing there like he was waiting for me to come back, I swung myself behind him and not even a second later Vernon tore into the kitchen like a mad bull. "You'll pay for that freak!" The fat man shouted before he noticed the stranger in his house. Vernon saw Hermes and growled, "I told you no freaks in my house!"

I flinched and closed my eyes, "Make him go away," I prayed under my breath, the suddenly my eyes snapped open when Hermes snickered, "You aren't being very hospitable Dursley." It clicked Hermes was the god of travelers and thieves. He himself was a traveler at the moment and I was a thief. Hermes looked back at me, "I take care of my own, kid, that was another reason why I agreed to come you. I watch out for my thieves."

I feel the need to explain myself here, I am a thief but I have only the best intentions. Really because it seems Vernon would sometimes forget that I needed food too. So I would go steal some. It started with just nicking a few things at the house then it eventually grew to where I would have steal it from stores, or grab someone's wallet when I saw it. I needed food and I wasn't about to let the Dursley's keep it from me. And now back to ,the story.

"Please, protect me from him." I prayed, "I'll sacrifice something later?" I promised. Hermes shrugged, "That'll work, hang on to me, 'kay?" I grabbed onto the messenger god and suddenly we weren't in Surrey anymore, in fact I was sure that we weren't in England anymore. "Uh, were are we?" I asked looking around, I released the messenger god and stepped away the place was dark and gloomy, but it seemed really peaceful. I felt content, something a rarely felt and I didn't want it to end.

Hermes smirked at me and rolled his eyes, "Come on, Hades wants to see you." I was sure that my jaw dropped, and my eyes had to be at least the size of dinner plates, I suddenly realized where we were. The Underworld.

"Uh, er, are you sure?" I spluttered, still looking around wildly. The thought just wouldn't click, I couldn't believe that I was in the underworld it just didn't make much sense. Hermes gave me a look that made me think, he thought I was stupid, but it wasn't my fault. I wasn't entirely sure I even believed that he was a god. None of this made any sense and it just kept getting weirder.

The messenger god walked off in some random direction while I followed like a duckling following it's mother still gaping at the Underworld. Hermes, the nice guy that he is, snickered at me each time I tripped, I was regretting promising to offer him something. Luckily I knew that not doing as I promised would be stupid and would only hurt me in the end.

"Uh, so, who am I here to meet again?" I suddenly stopped and asked,"Am I dead?" Definitely not one of my brighter moments. The godly mailman acutely almost fell down laughing. I watched in a fascinated manner as he tried to regain himself and fail three times before a voice startled me.

"You would know if you where dead."

I felt a tremor run up and down my spine, the voice reeked of death, something I didn't know was possible. I could feel a presence behind me but I couldn't bring my self to turn around because I knew if I did, I knew who I'd see. I knew who ran the underworld.

"Turn and face me, Harry Potter." The being commanded me.

With out a second thought I turned slightly and there standing in all of his creepy glory was Hades, god of the Underworld.


	2. Chapter 2

**In which I learn my father is my mum's great uncle.**

_"Uh, so, who am I here to meet again?" I suddenly stopped and asked,"Am I dead?" Definitely not one of my brighter moments. The godly mailman acutely almost fell down laughing. I watched in a fascinated manner as he tried to regain himself and fail three times before a voice startled me._

_"You would know if you where dead."_

_I felt a tremor run up and down my spine, the voice reeked of death, something I didn't know was possible. I could feel a presence behind me but I couldn't bring my self to turn around because I knew if I did, I knew who I'd see. I knew who ran the underworld._

_"Turn and face me, Harry Potter." The being commanded me._

_With out a second thought I turned slightly and there standing in all of his creepy glory was Hades, god of the Underworld._

_--_

In my defense I did better then what others in my position would have done. I didn't scream *Coughs* okay so maybe I shouted. I didn't faint, *Blushes* I did fall back and land on my butt. And I didn't cry. Though Hermes swears I almost peed myself *Eye roll* I think the old boy is getting just that, old. Senile almost.

I looked at Mr. Tall Dark and Dead-ish, in awe. I was beyond words, well, that and I didn't want to piss him off. How much would that suck? To piss off the god of the underworld. Anyway I keep getting off track here, I turned around and just kinda stared. Hades stared back his eyes got all creepy, I could see a mad fire glowing deep within his eyes. I wasn't sure if he was crazy or a genius. He looked both in that second.

I looked away first. I knew if something from this trip gave me nightmares then it would be Hades' eyes. "What can I do you for, uh, Mr. King of the Dead Sir?" I asked, instantly regretting my stupid comment. The god smirked at me then looked at my guide, "Your debt has been paid."

Hermes, took a bow before wiggling his fingers at me and winking. The next thing I knew he was gone. That left me alone, in the Underworld. With Hades. Let me tell you it's kinda freaky. I just stood their trying not to stare, because I mean who wouldn't? Evidently the King of the Dead wasn't very patience because he began to speak to me moments after the mail god left. "Do you wonder why you are in my presence?" The god questioned as he sat on this throne, of course being the genius I am I said, "Er." Yes, I have such a way with words.

Hades raised an eyebrow at me, and I felt jealous. I have been trying to learn how to do that for months and bam he can do it. Of course that might have something to do with the fact that he's like a million years old. "You are 15, correct?" I nodded jerkily. "Good," He paused then gave me a smirk, "Harry, I am your father."

STOP! Hold it, freeze, don't move what ever. Is it just me, or was a Star Wars rip off or what? Of course at the time I didn't realize it but come on. I am your father. What the hell? I didn't know Hades watched movies. Well it turns out he does and he likes to quote them at the most inopportune moments. *Glares*

"Did you just say..."I trailed off uncertain, not wanting to say it, I could have misheard him. I mean who wants to admit the person they thought was their father wasn't. Of course Hades could have been lying, but I didn't really think that was his thing. The god smirked, he does that a lot, at me, "That I am your father? Yes, yes I did."

Alright at this point I want to do several things, one of which involved stomping my foot like a child and shouting liar. Fortunately I managed to suppress the urge. The second thing I want to do was*Blush* curl up and cry; *Glares* it seemed perfectly reasonable to me, after the day I've had. Thirdly, the thing that won out in the end was in two parts, one ask where the bloody hell he had escaped from and why they let him of his medication.

Suffice to say, Hades was not happy with me, but it seemed he was particularly angry with me either. So I guess that meant he wouldn't kill me. "What if I was to offer you the chance to speak to your mother?" The being asked, his voice stolid but his eyes seemed to looking at me like Snape looked at a potion. I felt my breath catch, I knew that if this wasn't some elaborate hoax then he, Hades, really could allow me to speak to my mother. It was something that been offered to me before in a round about way by my nemesis, the dark lord Voldemort, or He-Who-Has-To-Many-Hyphens.

Here I really wanted to scream no, and go back to the Dursley's,but thankfully my self preservation,*Gasp-it does exist* kicked in. Talk to my dead mother possible at the price of my very soul or go back to the Dursley's and get my ass beat, quiet literally.*Hum-Looks around* Anyone want to take a guess at what I chose?

"I want to speak to her."

--

It didn't take that long for Hades to call up Lily Evans, I was tempted to ask to speak to my dad, and Sirius again, but beggars can't be choosers, I suppose. My mum appeared out of no where, which I ignored, but what I noticed was her eyes, they really where the same as mine. Of course hers where somewhat see through, but the resemblance was still there. "Mum?" I choked out taking a step forward, Hades had almost disappeared at this point, he had left his throne and was looking at mum with mild amusement. Mum floated forward and reached out a ghostly hand out to trail just above my skin, it wasn't as cold as I expected.

"Harry," She whispered, smiling happily at me .I just stood there my mouth wide open staring at the one women I never thought I would get to see. Mum seemed to know what to say because she began, "I see you have met your father." I blinked back a burning sensation in my eyes and the back of my throat. She continued, "Your dad and I are so proud of you, baby." My mother looked me over from head to toe, in a way I've seen Mrs. Weasley look at her boys after meeting them at the train station. It made my chest hurt knowing that this would be the last time I would get to see that look. I cleared my throat and blinked harshly trying to give in the burning feelings that had attacked my eyes.

"So mum," My voice broke slightly here, "you have until, er, well, when ever Hades gets tired of me talking to explain some things." I prodded moving past my want to just stare at her, I needed to know what was going on, "Want to explain to me why I am currently in the Underworld?" I really hoped that she would get the hint and start talking because, as much as I liked seeing her, seeing her as a spirit-thingy was unsettling.

"Harry," She began softly, "Your dad and I loved each other very much, but we didn't limit ourselves to just each other." I'm sure at this point I was looking a nasty mix of confused and slightly green. You did not want to find out your parents like to see other people while together. "One night, your dad and I invited a handsome older man, it was during Hogwarts November, before we graduated." I frowned thinking then that I must have been born early. "We..." Mum's transparent face was tinged red, and I knew that my face was the same. "Yeah, I get that part," I told her trying to steer clear of hearing about my parent's sex life.

"Well, then about eight and a half months later you where born," Lily smiled happily at me and reached out as if to stroke my face again, but she drew back. "My dear baby boy, that is not all, for you see along with having Hades as a father my mother was Athena. You are ¾ god." My jaw dropped and I knew it, being a half was enough but then finding out that my mother was a half-blood was something else entirely.

"Wow," I cleared my throat and looked at her, then over at the creepy king of the dead in the corner, "So that means you had sex with your uncle?" I asked to clarify it. *Gag* Mum coughed in an obviously fake manner, "So, is that all? Summon me again soon honey." She said looking around like she suddenly had something to do. "Bye Sweetie!"

I blinked as she disappeared and looked over at Hades, "Soooo are all Greek god families so inbred?" I asked without thinking. I immediately blanched and stuttered out an, "Uh, no offense?" To my surprise the King of Creepy chuckled, I flinched, I'll admit it. But come on who wouldn't? It was freaky. Freakier then Snape's smile *Shudder*, which I think is one of the signs of the coming apocalypse.

"Most of the Olympian families are like that yes," Hades nodded and motioned for the boy to follow him back to his throne, "Half-Bloods are gifted with our rather _superior_," Hades' gave a bitter smile, "breeding protects them from the side effects, plus the rather unconventional way most gods have children, like how your grandmother Athena was born, tends to cut out the more troublesome parts of childhood." I blinked and frowned deeply, "Uh, so, lets switch subjects, yeah?"

Hades smirked at me in a way that made me wonder if I died right then, he's really freaky you know? "Fine," The entity said smoothly, "How about I tell you why I called you here?" I nodded enthusiastically, I really wanted to get away from thoughts of my dead mum and my family that just so happened to be about as closely related as some of the pure-blood I knew. *Gag*

The King of Creepy smirked at me, then he just suddenly turned around and walked off, leaving me there gaping. He said something about explaining and he just took off. The man, I guess you could call him that, turned his head slightly and looked at me, "Are you coming or not?" He asked, his voice echoing through the room chamber thing we where in. He didn't wait for a reply he just kept on walking. "Hey wait up!" I shouted as I took off after him, turns out he was really fast.

I wasn't sure what was going on but surely I would get answers soon, he obviously had a reason for me being there. I wasn't sure of I wanted to know what that reason was to be honest,because I just couldn't believe that he had brought me here out of the goodness of his heart. He like everyone else in the world wanted something in return for having me saved. The only real question was when he planed on collecting would I be ready?


End file.
